I needed this.

2018 has been a year full of anguish, heartbreak, and fury for me. There were times where I’d cry until I fell asleep, only to wake up and start again. I had a several week lull where I felt like I was drowning in responsibilities and tasks. My response to this reality was to stare into the bright screen or technology or lie in bed until guilt dragged me out of the warmth of my blankets and my dog snuggled against me. My parents were concerned and irritated with my disconnectedness. I felt like I was pissing off my friends with some of my attempts at feigning being okay. Having a handle on all aspects of my life was feeling impossible.

Sometimes the gym felt like a chore instead of a refuge. I would sit there between sets wondering why I bothered putting so much effort into a sport that I felt so mediocre at. Glancing at my watch, I would ask myself why I spent so much time on a hobby that I essentially do alone, when I could be in the company of my friends and family. When I purchased my flights to Spokane for USAPL Raw Nationals, I roughly calculated how much money I’ve put into this sport, and how those funds could have gone to outings with friends, better Christmas gifts to my family, or to my future home.

The media has been absolutely saturated with talk of women’s rights, sexual assault, and the patriarchy. I couldn’t open social media or look at a newspaper without seeing these topics in big bold letters. Almost daily, I was ripping open old wounds and recounting my experiences to try and add to the collective voice. These issues are very important to me and I unknowingly was driving myself into the ground trying to make an impact. While I’m glad women are speaking up and talking about this often, I couldn’t anymore. I was trying to change the minds of men who in the same sentence called themselves feminists and then criticizing my logic utilizing mental health as an insult. I was calling out my friends for continuing to support those men and men who were guilty of sexually assaulting women. This only further alienated me as I derive a lot of happiness from my friendships. Now I’m not saying it’s okay to support misogynists or sexual predators. It is still wrong. But I will no longer carry the burden of those fucked up actions. That’s on them.

Alright, got an idea of how I was doing? Let’s move on.

I hired Patrick Umphrey of Eat, Train, Progress to do my powerlifting programming a few months ago. It felt right because he and I have been friends for a while. I could trust him. I knew he had been coaching for a while with a lot of success. But just as importantly, he is a vocal supporter of dismantling the patriarchy and white supremacy we are still dealing with today. There was no way I was willing to give my money over to someone who didn’t share these values for equal human rights. And as he is a white man, I loved that he flexed his privilege in heated situations to fight for what was right. He understood the meaning behind #menaretrash and would come to bat whenever I was being attacked online for my views. He has my back.

In preparation for USAPL Nationals, my plan was to compete at the WNBF Royal Championships a few weeks before. I wanted to compete in Figure as a way to cut down to the 52kg weight class for Nationals. When I’ve done this in the past, I found my strength took a bit of a dip as I got closer to the physique competition. After a good refeed though, my lifting numbers always bounced back up within a week or so. But with my emotional state, I didn’t have the drive to accomplish this. So I decided to change my plans and compete in the 57kg class. While that might not seem like much of change, to me it felt like a giant failure. Ever since I prepped for my first figure show in 2015, I’ve had control over my nutrition and eating habits. Losing that control and not being able to put my plans into action felt horrible. Patrick reminded me that it didn’t matter. He did his best to help dispel my feelings of inadequacy and refocus my attention to USAPL Nationals.

To be honest, the excitement of competing at Nationals didn’t hit me until I met up with Patrick. Seeing him jump in the rental car made it all feel real. It was a wonderful distraction from all the negativity I had been experiencing as of late. We went to the equipment check to have my gear approved. I got to meet and get a picture with one of my favorite dual athletes, Marisa Inda, got a check on my weight, then went back to the hotel.

My weigh-in time wasn’t until noon, but Patrick and I headed over to the venue early to watch the other competitors. While watching the first flights of competitors I was eagerly texting my friend Melody Horbach so we could meet. Hugging her and sitting next to her in the crowd was one of the happiest moments I had felt in the past couple of months. I was so excited to get to meet this person I had been communicating with online for so long. It was like reuniting with a close friend. To add to the fun, we were both competing in the 57kg class; I was in flight 2A and she was in flight 2B, so it gave me the chance to see her lift and cheer her on. Spoiler alert: she is an amazing lifter.

There were two goals that I had for USAPL Nationals at the 57kg weight class; squat over 225lbs and break 300lbs on my deadlift. As far as my bench press? Any kind of weight above my last competition best (85kg/187.4lbs) was a win in my eyes.

As I have said many times before, the squat is my least confident lift. Patrick set my squat opener to be very conservative (92.5kg/203.9lbs) to ensure I’m on the board and have my in the right headspace. Failing your opening weight on your least confident lift isn’t the best way to start a meet. The tricky thing about powerlifting meets are that the nerves accompanied with them can sometimes throw off my lifting technique. This results in my first squat attempt feeling a little heavier than it should and focusing a little too hard on hitting depth, that my bar speed was a little slow. But I got 3 white lights, so we pressed on. My second squat attempt at 97.5kg/214.9lbs moved a little faster, felt a little easier, and I got another set of 3 white lights. For my third attempt, we were going for a lifetime PR of 102.5kg/226lbs. I was nervous, but Patrick grabbed me by the shoulders and told me to give it my all, to get aggressive with it. So I did, and I was given 3 white lights!

Once we were finished with squats, I had an immediate wave of excitement roll through my bones because it was time to bench. Ending squats 3/3 had me feeling confident, so I opened at 82.5kg/181.9lbs. It went well despite the long wait for the “start” command from the head judge. Next we went for 85kg/187.4lbs to match my previous meet PR. That attempt flew up even faster than my opener. So Patrick and I talked about my third and final bench press attempt.

“I know for sure you’ll get 87.5kg/192.9lbs. Or you can try 90kg/198.4lbs and I’m about 70% sure you can get this.” I didn’t to play it safe on my final lift, I wanted to go for it. Patrick yelled something to the effect of “Don’t stop. Don’t you ever stop! Don’t stop pushing until they take the bar away,” and give me a slap on the back to get me amped up. I imagined myself struggling with the lift, but ultimately completing it. I pictured my success in my brain. Then I got after it. I completed the lift, but we both thought I would get red lighted. I felt my left side dip a little while I was pressing and he saw it. My glutes also started to come off the bench mid-lift so I wasn’t sure if they stayed in contact or not. But seeing those 3 white lights made me scream. I jumped up off the bench and nearly knocked over Patrick when I went to hug him. Then I started crying. I felt so much pride and happiness in myself. Despite all the turmoil and stress in my life, I was able to pull off a big PR of 5kg/11lbs.

Finally we got to the deadlift portion of the meet. I was fatigued from squats and bench press. But deadlifts had been going so well in my training that my opening attempt was set at 127.5kg/281.1lbs, which was matching my previous meet PR. That went up without a hitch and we opted to put in 132.5kg/292.1lbs as my second attempt, another meet PR. However, mid pull, I could feel all the pressure build up in my abdomen and against my belt. I was bracing so hard, I peed. When I hopped off the platform and over to Patrick, he was super stoked for me getting my second attempt. But I wasn’t. I was so embarrassed. All I could think about was the warm wet shorts of my singlet sticking to my crotch and legs. But being the good coach he is, Patrick got down in my face and told me to get those thoughts out of my brain and then asked me what weight I wanted to go for on my last attempt. I think by him not spending too much time on it, I wasn’t given the chance to dwell on it either. We agreed to submit my final attempt for 137.5kg/303.1lbs. That would have me achieving my other goal for nationals (and life) which was to break a 300lb deadlift. I ran off to the bathroom to try and salvage my singlet with some paper towels and then returned to the back area of the platforms. As we geared up for me to go on, I told Patrick to slap me on the back again. But he first told me to do exactly what I do best, and that’s not give up. “Give it everything you have!” and then I felt that impact on my upper back as I marched out onto the platform. I imagined myself struggling a little, but standing up with the bar. I visualized myself getting that fucking bar up. I imagined the 3 white lights. Then I bent down, took a big breath, and pulled as hard as I could. And I did it. I stood up with it. I peed myself again, but I did it. Once I was given the down command, I let down the bar and took a moment to look at the lights as I undid my belt. The 3 whites flashed up and the tears flooded down my face again. I gave it everything I had and I did it.

Thank you Patrick, I needed this.

TL;DR (but why would you be here if you didn’t read the thing?)

SQUAT
-Attempt 1- 92.5kg/203.9lbs (3 white lights)
-Attempt 2- 97.5kg/214.9lbs (3 white lights)
-Attempt 3- 102.5kg/226lbs (3 white lights)(Lifetime Gym + Meet PR)

BENCH PRESS
-Attempt 1- 82.5kg/181.9lbs (3 white lights)
-Attempt 2- 85kg/187.4lbs (3 white lights)
-Attempt 3- 90kg/198.4lbs (3 white lights) (Lifetime Gym + Meet PR)

DEADLIFT
-Attempt 1- 127.5kg/281.1lbs (3 white lights)
-Attempt 2- 132.5kg/292.1lbs (3 white lights) (Lifetime Gym + Meet PR)
-Attempt 3- 137.5kg/303.1lbs (3 white lights) (Lifetime Gym + Meet PR)

TOTAL
330kg/727.5lbs
Added 25kg/55.1lbs to my total since my last meet in April!